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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22978237">gentle conversations</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Death Note (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Intrusive Thoughts, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, The Rain Scene, lawlight, missing memories, referenced insomnia i guess?, theres some slight suicidal ideation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 16:13:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,187</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22978237</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Light is missing memories. He's missing memories and he's scared to learn why.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>L/Yagami Light</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>232</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. kindness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>01. kindness.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Light can’t sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s been thinking about a lot lately and sleep had been his one respite from his anxieties, but that seems to be gone now as he stares up at the ceiling. L is sitting on his half of the bed, doing one thing or another on his computer, as usual. He isn’t paying any mind to the man beside him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light tries to focus on the ceiling, maybe if he distracts himself he’ll be able to drift off into sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The ceiling is one of those textured ceilings, oddly enough, the kind with the bumps. It’s the same kind of ceiling he has back at home. Sayu used to rake her fingers across the ceiling to make white particles fall like snow. Mom and dad would get so mad, but she liked it enough to keep doing it until they lowered her bed so she couldn’t reach the ceiling anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light sighs, he misses Sayu and his mom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should sleep,” L says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light turns his head to look at him. He hasn’t looked away from his laptop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So should you,” he replies dryly. In all his time handcuffed to the detective, Light had only seen him sleeping two or three times.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t need much sleep,” he replies. “You know that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>L had never said it before, but, yeah, Light knows. The man somehow manages to live off three hours of sleep twice a week.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light turns back to the ceiling. He used to have to listen to audiobooks to go to sleep, sometimes that still works. Unfortunately he’s chained to L and he’d really rather not ask him about getting some audiobooks to play while he’s asleep. That just seems embarrassing somehow, like he’s displaying a weakness of some sort.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck, he’s thinking about things again. He just wants to sleep, is that too much to ask?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He closes his eyes and tries to force himself to think of </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it doesn’t work and after what feels like an eternity of trying, he opens his eyes again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ryuzaki.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light sighs again. “Nevermind, it’s stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>L shuffles around to look at him. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light sits up and runs his hand through his hair. “It’s just that - I’m... missing memories. More than what’s normal, I mean. There’s even months that I look back at and I can’t remember anything outside of school. And there’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>important</span>
  </em>
  <span> things that I can’t remember - like why I asked to be confined, why I agreed to let Misa be my girlfriend, there’s some things that I can remember buying that I would never usually buy and I can’t remember why, I remember being on a bus that got hijacked but I can’t remember any of the details of it and I should, </span>
  <em>
    <span>obviously</span>
  </em>
  <span> I should.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>L pauses before saying, “I can see how this would be distressing for you, but I’m sure you know how this sounds.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I do, but I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kira. At least, not anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Both of them are silent for a long time, seemingly unsure of what to say. L scrutinizes the other man’s face. Light pulls his knees up to his chest and stares at the creases in the sheets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without looking up, he says, “What’ll happen? If it turns out that I </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kira, what’ll happen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>L chews at a thumbnail and hums in thought. “I suppose that depends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Depends on what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, your memory of your supposed actions, though we’ve already covered that you appear to be missing any such memories, then there’s whether or not you willingly started killing people. It’s possible that you could have just been Kira’s pawn.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh...” Perhaps it’s the exhaustion, but Light continues talking, even though he knows he’s only incriminating himself for something he has no memory of doing. “What if I did it willingly?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think you did it willingly?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, maybe? I just - when I think about all the older Kira killings - it’s exactly who I would target. And if I somehow figured out how to kill people the way Kira can, I don’t know what I would do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see,” L says. “I can’t say I’m exactly surprised by that particular answer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How likely is it that I’m Kira now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would say that there’s a seventy three percent chance that you were once Kira given what we’ve just talked about and a six percent chance that you are currently Kira.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light sighs and falls back so his head is resting on his pillow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Either way you still shouldn’t dwell on it,” L says as he turns back to his laptop. “Get some sleep, Light.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light says nothing, he just closes his eyes and waits. He feels better, having gotten that off his chest. Not good, but better, even if he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> made himself seem more suspicious than before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ryuzaki,” he mumbles without opening his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Light?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks. For letting me talk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No problem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light finally falls asleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light has taken a liking to the stars. He wishes he could see them better, but the light pollution is so bad in the city it’s practically impossible to see any at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, it’s a shame,” L says when Light expresses this frustration one night. He glances out the window that Light is sitting by, then turns back to his laptop. “Tell me, Light, do you want to be Kira?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What kind of question is that?” Light demands, snapping his head to glare at L. “Of course I don’t want to be Kira!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>L turns his head as he looks at him. “It seems like a pertinent question, given our conversation the other night. I don’t expect you to want to be him, or at least, I don’t expect you to admit to wanting to be him, but it’s worth asking anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light lets his gaze travel back to the sky. “Right, whatever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has to admit, he’s angry. How could L think he would </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be Kira? The thought that he might’ve already been was distressing enough and he doesn’t want to keep thinking about it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He </span>
  <em>
    <span>might</span>
  </em>
  <span> understand the question a bit, but, fuck, he does </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> want to think about it right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been thinking about Misa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>L looks up, looking a bit surprised. “What about Misa?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light shifts a bit uncomfortably in his chair. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea to bring up after that question L had asked, but it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> bothering him and he needs to to talk to someone about it. L is probably the only person he </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> talk to about this, simply because his other options are his dad and his dad’s coworkers, besides L is probably the closest thing to a real friend Light has had in a long time, even if he </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> insufferable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been thinking about how we met. She just kind of showed up at my house. She knew me somehow and I invited her up to my room for some reason and then I can’t remember any of our conversation. The only thing I can remember before her leaving is this feeling of fear, like if I refused to be her boyfriend something would happen? I can’t imagine Misa threatening me, but it’s... bizarre.” More like frightening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm, well, that certainly does seem troubling,” L says. “I take it you aren’t serious about her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course not, but I can’t break up with her, I have no idea what she would do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, that certainly is a predicament. Well, if these memory problems you’re having are related to you being Kira, I’m almost certain that Misa Amane is the second Kira.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Honestly, it makes sense. Misa likes Kira, loves him even, she might have copied him, might have used whatever skills that come with being Kira to identify Light as the original Kira. Maybe she threatened him with death?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thought leaves a bad taste in his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s the night before they plan to go out and catch Higuchi and Light is terrified.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What if Kira is some sort of sentient monster that changes hosts when it can’t do what it wants? What if Light really is the original Kira and he turns back into him? What if something goes wrong? What if Light gets proven to be Kira somehow? What if - what if - what if.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His sleep is fitful that night and full of dreams he can’t remember when he wakes up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ryuzaki, come on, let me see it!” Light exclaims, but L isn’t listening, so he leans over and snatches the notebook from his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instantaneously, a rush of memories come flooding back, rushing in like a great flood that’s drowning him. He can’t hear anything but his own scream and the only thing he sees are flashes of horrible, horrible memories.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s raining.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing, Ryuzaki?” Light asks. He wants to say something else, anything else. He’d at least like to tell him that he’s sorry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, nothing in particular,” L says. He seems forlorned. Resigned. Like he knows he’s about to die. “It’s just... I hear the bell.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The bell?” He needs to say something else. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>just let this happen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. The sound of the bell’s been unusually loud today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t hear anything.” He doesn’t hear a bell, but he can hear his heart thudding and blood rushing in his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>L turns his head to the side. “Is something the matter, Light?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, of course not. Why would-” he falters as he feels a stinging in his eyes “-you think that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can see it in your eyes. They’re different than they’ve been since you touched the notebook.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you mean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I suppose you wouldn’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light needs to say something to him. He needs to apologize, he needs to say something </span>
  <em>
    <span>useful</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he needs to stop himself </span>
  <em>
    <span>now.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look pained, Light.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s gritting his teeth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he bites out, how he manages it, he isn’t sure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re-?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Kira,” he says and warm tears start running down his face. “I’m Kira. Help me, L. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>need help</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>L seems shocked. All he says is a simple, “I see...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, L, </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you’re about to die and it’s all my fault.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I figured as much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>L</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Light chokes out, he has a feeling he doesn't have much longer. He needs to say something useful, something that could help L. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Talk to Misa. She can get Rem to stop.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I - I’ll do that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Stop me, plea-</span>
  </em>
  <span>” His jaw snaps shut and he can’t talk anymore. He can’t do anything anymore. And that’s when something hits him hard enough to knock him out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>----</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light wakes up with a stinging cheek and a sore jaw. He knows why and he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>so fucking glad </span>
  </em>
  <span>that L managed to hit him hard enough to knock him out. Nonetheless, his body thrums with anger and hatred and an intense self loathing like nothing he’s ever felt before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I talked to Misa Amane.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>L is crouching outside the cell, watching curiously as Light pulls himself up into a sitting position.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light laughs. “You seriously listened to what I was saying while clearly not in my right mind? That doesn’t seem very rational of you, L.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm, no, I wouldn’t say it’s irrational, afterall, talking to Misa did lead to me still being alive. And you </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kira, I would trust a version of you who admits that above one that doesn’t. You’ll be interested to know that I also talked to Rem. There’s something we can do to help you, you just need to give up the Death Note.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> would I do that?” Light snaps. Rem is there now, standing beside L.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck, he needs to figure out how to to do that - he </span>
  <em>
    <span>needs</span>
  </em>
  <span> to give up the Death Note </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He groans and fights against himself and grits his teeth.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I give it up, I give it up, I give it up</span>
  </em>
  <span> he repeats over and over again, but nothing comes out of his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’ll regret this.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s a trap.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s doing this to trick you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t want to be Kira.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re giving up something great.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’ll be the god of a new world.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I won’t!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re passing righteous judgment.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m not!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The world needs you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s better off without me!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Light,” L says. “You need to give up the Death Note.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll never do that,” Light hisses, voice strained and tight.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Do it! Give it up! Now!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re a fool - you’re weak, STOP. TRYING. TO. RUIN. YOURSELF.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Light-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>You’ll never get rid of me</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Light snarls. “Light and I - Kira and I - we’re the same. We come from the same place, we share the same ideals, we think the same, we aren’t separate people, we’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>one person</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That may be true, but I know Light can fight off Kira. He did it before, he’s trying to now, I can tell.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span> about me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know plenty about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up!”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck you, fuck you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re ruining yourself - your life!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I deserve it!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Light-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Light</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I GIVE IT UP!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Light lets out a pained sob. "I give up the Death Note."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rem walks forward and then Light can't remember what he's doing locked up again. The last thing he really remembers is reaching for that notebook in the helicopter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then something presses against his arm and memory after memory comes flooding back. All Light can do is scream as he watches all the horrible things he's done. He feels sick. He wants to die, he</span>
  <em>
    <span> deserves</span>
  </em>
  <span> to die.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Light?" L says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light shakes his head and closes his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Light, I'm sorry we had to go about this in such a painful way, but we need your memories to be intact to work through this properly. Rem wasn’t entirely sure if this would work, but it seems that if she still possesses ownership of the Death Note when you touch it, it affects you differently."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Kill me, just kill me," he chokes out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not going to do that, Light."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Please. The world's better off without me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't believe that's true. You could do great things and you could start by explaining what happened."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You shouldn’t even be here,” Light says. “It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>dangerous</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And why would that be?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why wouldn’t it be?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you gave up the Death Note and you clearly regret your actions, I have a hard time believing that you would be any danger to me or anyone else for that matter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I could - I could go back to-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s possible, but you don’t own a Death Note anymore, so I struggle to imagine you killing anyone. And we’re both well aware that you and I are equally matched and you’re hardly in your best state.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But there are other Death Notes, what if I-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened when you first got the notebook? Did you immediately start killing people?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light shakes his head. “No, I thought it was a prank at first, but there’s - there’s something about it that makes people want to test it, or I was bored enough to try it. There was a man on the news - he’d held children hostage. I thought he was horrible enough, anyone who would do that to kids wouldn’t be missed, so I wrote his name down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And then there was this man - he was assaulting a girl in the street. I had to stop him - he was hit by a truck and there was so much blood. I’d killed two people and I - I don’t know, it was like a switch suddenly flipped in my head. I’d killed them to protect people - to make the world a better place. I could keep doing that, keep making the world better and I guess that evolved into - everything else. But it happened so quickly...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>L hums in thought, pauses, then says, “It seems to me that your train of thought was a sort of rationalization of your actions. Causing someone’s death, whether accidental or on purpose, is deeply distressing. I’ve seen it a lot - someone kills someone, or thinks they’ve killed someone, and it all spirals from there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Light blinks. “So you’re saying... I felt bad about killing them, so I killed more people?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Essentially. I believe that you made yourself believe that you were doing something righteous, something that needed to be done. And with the way the Death Note works - it’s so detached, it would be easy to forget that these are people you’re killing, and the power it holds would go to anyone’s head.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But that doesn’t change the fact that I did it - I killed </span>
  <em>
    <span>thousands</span>
  </em>
  <span> of people, just because I was doing it for </span>
  <em>
    <span>whatever</span>
  </em>
  <span> reason doesn’t change that. I’m Kira, you should just kill me now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not going to do that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aren’t you going to punish me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, but first I need to be sure of everything. I probably won’t be handing you in - everyone would see this case as being black and white and you would likely end up with the death penalty. However, I don’t believe that’s an appropriate punishment at all. I’ll leave you here until I decide what to do, that and the fact that you have to live with knowing what you’ve done might be enough, it might not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘You’re - really? That’s - that’s too kind...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hardly.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. affection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>02. affection.</b>
</p><p>When he’s let out, the first thing Light does is go up to the roof to look at the stars. He’s chained to L, of course, but he misses seeing the sky.</p><p>And L is being so unbelievably <em> nice </em> about this. Light doesn’t understand it, he doesn’t deserve it and it took a lot of time to even get him out of his cell, to even eat while he was still locked up. He thought - he still thinks that he deserves to waste away in that cell.</p><p>“I’ll be staying here for a few more months,” L interrupts the silence. “In that time, I’ll be keeping an eye on you, we’ll have to wait and see what we should do after that.”</p><p>“I - thank you, L,” Light says. “For being so forgiving.”</p><p>“I’m not being forgiving, I’m just giving you the chance you deserve.”</p><p>----</p><p>Light talks to Misa. He’s able to convince her to give up her Death Note as well, which L takes to be locked up somewhere safe. Light breaks up with her, she’s upset, she screams, she yells, she cries, but eventually, she understands. Rem leaves with her and Ryuk is now always there.</p><p>It’s actually pretty okay being stuck with L. He’s not exactly <em> nice </em>, but he listens to Light and his worries and fears. He comforts Light when he wakes up from his nightmares, which are slowly decreasing in numbers but not severity.</p><p>Light gets to help with the cases that L gets and they surprisingly quickly become equals with the whole detective thing. Light and L are no longer chained together after only two months, despite Light’s protests. He’s still not allowed outside of L’s sight, so he can’t see his family very often.</p><p>Everyone believes that Higuchi was the only Kira and had set up Light and Misa. Everyone also believes that Light is currently studying under L and that’s why he’s always with him.</p><p>It’s a slow progression, but it’s out of nowhere when Light realizes that he might have more-than-friends feelings for L.</p><p>They’re sitting on the roof. They’ve just solved a case that had taken two whole days(which is a while for these long-distance ones). It’s a nice night with a weak breeze and Light can see satellites, but not any stars.</p><p>He turns to complain to L about this lack of stars, but is taken breathless when he sees the way the light of the moon shines on him and the expression he has on his face. He’s obviously concentrating very hard, which is just very funny to Light. He can’t help laughing a bit.</p><p>L looks at him, vaguely confused. “What?” he asks.</p><p>“You’re just concentrating very hard,” Light says.</p><p>“Yes, I’m trying to see what’s so interesting.”</p><p>“You know you could do something else, right?”</p><p>“I know, but you seem to find it interesting. I’m just trying to understand why.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because you like it,” L replies as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. That’s when Light realizes that he very much wants to kiss this man.</p><p>Instead of doing that, however, Light laughs a bit and says, “Well, in that case, you just need to look up and relax. It’s better with stars, then you can look for constellations and patterns, but it’s still very nice without them.”</p><p>L looks back to the sky and so does Light, but only a few moments later, L lets out a frustrated sigh.</p><p>“I don’t get it,” he says.</p><p>“It’s not for everyone. I don’t even know why I like it. For some reason, I’m just able to clear my mind and it’s... nice.”</p><p>“I see...”</p><p>"We can go back inside."</p><p>"Do you want to go back inside?"</p><p>Light shrugs. "If you want to go inside I'm fine with it."</p><p>L nods and stands up. Light follows him back inside.</p><p>----</p><p>L tells Light that he needs to sleep a lot. Light always responds in kind and L usually drops it, though Light sees the glances he gets from the corner of his eye that he can’t seem to decipher. L is inscrutable and he’s about the only person Light has ever found to be so.</p><p>One night, L rolls his chair over to the side of the bed where Light is sitting up with a book.</p><p>“You haven’t been sleeping much,” L says.</p><p>“I’ve been sleeping enough,” Light replies cooly. “Besides, you’re hardly one to talk.”</p><p>“I know how much you naturally sleep, you’ve decreased that amount by half.”</p><p>“Sleeping patterns change.”</p><p>“Not so suddenly.”</p><p>Light sighs and puts his book down. “L, what do you want?”</p><p>L simply narrows his eyes and bites down on his finger. “I think you have something you want to talk about, Light.”</p><p>“And what makes you think that?”</p><p>“You’re making a... face.”</p><p>“Yes, I have a face.”</p><p>“I’m saying you’re making a face that tells me that you may want to talk about something. If you don’t want to, though, just say so.”</p><p>“Alright, I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>L pushes himself away from the bed. Light picks his book back up. And, upon finding himself completely unable to concentrate, puts it on the bedside table and lies down. But the thing is, he doesn’t want to sleep. He’s been avoiding sleep as much as he can for a very specific reason and he <em> does </em> want to talk about it, but he also really doesn’t.</p><p>He lays there for a long time until he can’t handle it anymore. He groans, sits up and snaps, “<em> Fine </em>, I want to talk about it.”</p><p>L turns around in his chair and says, “Oh, good. Go on, I won’t interrupt.”</p><p>Light, wholly unprepared for how to actually go about talking about his problem, runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “I’m - avoiding sleep.”</p><p>They both pause.</p><p>L blinks. “Yes, I can see that.”</p><p>“I mean - ugh, I’m not sure how to explain this in a way that sounds sensible.”</p><p>“That’s alright, take your time, be as nonsensical as you want.”</p><p>Light pulls his knees to his chest and stares at his hands for several moments as he collects his thoughts. “I’m - worried, I guess. Worried that when I sleep it gives... that other part of me time and space to take over. I’m <em> terrified </em> that one day I might wake up and be stuck in my head again, unable to do or say anything I actually want to do. What if I just wake up and try to kill you - or Watari - or Ryuk gives me the Death Note and I start killing again?” His hands are shaking. He balls them up into fists and presses them into the mattress. “I don’t want to become Kira again.” He finds himself blinking back tears. Fuck, this is embarassing.</p><p>“I see,” L says thoughtfully. “Honestly, I believe that the chances of any of that happening are very slim, especially after this long. Kira has had plenty of time to take over you again and he hasn’t, though it is possible that he could be biding his time-”</p><p>“L,” Light stops him. “Kira isn’t separate from me. He isn’t his own person. He’s me and I’m him. It’s a part of me - a part that I still feel and think like and that’s why it’s so <em> horribly terrifying </em> . I could - I could just <em> snap </em> one day and go back to acting on those thoughts and feelings that make up Kira.”</p><p>“I suppose that is a possibility, but again, I believe that there are only very slim chances. You haven’t shown any signs of doing anything like that in the last three months, but that’s also why I’m still keeping an eye on you. Any chances of... relapse, I suppose, can be easily combated with the right precautions. Why are you so worried about this?”</p><p>“Because that’s not who I want to be,” Light snaps.</p><p>“I mean, what’s caused you to think about this?”</p><p>Light shrugs. “I’ve always thought about it, ever since... it all happened. And my dreams don’t help. It’s all I dream about, L, every night it’s just a barrage of horrible, <em> horrible </em> things. Things I’ve done, things I’ve wanted to do, things I’ve thought, things I could do, it’s horrible and I can’t escape it.”</p><p>L gets out of his chair and sits beside Light on the bed.</p><p>“I can see how that would be troubling,” he says. He looks directly at Light and he’s struck by how intense his dark eyes really are. Light doesn’t think he’s ever looked <em> directly </em> at him like this before. “No matter what your dreams tell you, you’re not like that. Even if you sometimes have thoughts that align with them, even that doesn’t mean anything about you as you currently are.”</p><p>“But if I’m thinking it, then it <em> is </em> me, right? And dreams, they’re just what your subconscious is bringing to the forefront, trying to make sense of everything and showing what you <em> really </em> think about something, right? How can those things <em> not </em> be me?”</p><p>“Just because you might think or feel something, doesn’t mean it’s you. It may be a part of you, but it doesn’t define you and you can be better than those thoughts. I’m no expert, but it’s really very common. I could find a therapist that you could speak to.”</p><p>“I <em> don’t </em> need a therapist,” Light practically snarls.</p><p>“Needing a therapist isn’t a bad thing, Light. It isn’t an insult. And I <em> can </em> get you the very best ones in the world.”</p><p>Light looks down. “I - maybe. I’ll think about it.”</p><p>L nods.</p><p>“Can we use the handcuffs again?” Light asks. “Just for sleeping. I don’t know if I can trust myself.”</p><p>“If that’s what would make you most comfortable, yes.”</p><p>“It is.”</p><p>L wordlessly gets up and retrieves the handcuffs from the desk drawer. He attaches them to Light and himself.</p><p>“Thank you,” Light says.</p><p>He sinks back under the covers, strangely comforted by the weight of the handcuff on his wrist. Surprisingly, L lies down beside him.</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>“Getting sleep,” L answers.</p><p>“You never sleep this early.”</p><p>L doesn’t answer and Light doesn’t press any further.</p><p>----</p><p>Light is staring up at that textured ceiling again. L is lying down beside him. Neither are asleep. L has begun to lie down in the bed with Light every night since they started using the handcuffs again. Light suspects it’s his attempt at comfort, and it <em> is </em> comforting, in an odd way.</p><p>“L.”</p><p>“Yes, Light?”</p><p>“Why are you doing all this for me?” Light asks. </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Why did you save me? Why are you letting me work with you? Why do you <em> trust </em> me?”</p><p>It takes L a few moments to respond. “I told you before that I’m giving you a chance.”</p><p>“But why?”</p><p>“Because you were young and anyone would have been affected by all the power of the Death Note. And there’s the selfish reason, of course.”</p><p>Light turns his head to look at the man beside him, his heart thudding in his chest. “And that is?”</p><p>“You’re my first real friend, Light. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make another.”</p><p>Something as little as that makes Light’s heart speed up even more. His palms grow warm and he has to look back at the ceiling.</p><p>“I think you’re my first real friend, too,” he says.</p><p>A hand slides into his and neither of them move or say anything else.</p><p>----</p><p>They’re still holding hands when Light wakes up. They’re shoulder to shoulder. He doesn’t remember any dreams, which is better than he can say for the past three months.</p><p>Light doesn’t want to move. He doesn’t know if L is awake yet or not, if he isn’t, then it’s a miracle, if he is, then he seems to be in a similar state of not wanting to move. Light wonders why. Is it purely out of wanting to comfort the younger man? Or something more? No, he’s reading too far into this. Seeing what he wants to see in a simple interaction.</p><p>“L?” he says, voice soft in case he isn’t awake yet.</p><p>“Yes?” L responds.</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>“For what?”</p><p>“Everything.”</p><p>“Oh. No problem.”</p><p>And then a dam seems to break and feelings come flooding in over Light so quickly he lurches up into a sitting position. He pulls his hand from L’s and looks around the room for anything to latch on to besides L.</p><p>“Light?” L asks as he sits up. “Is something wrong?”</p><p>“No, sorry,” Light shakes his head. “I’m being stupid.” His hand feels strangely empty without L’s. Like he’s missing a vital piece of himself. Without thinking, he grabs L’s hand.</p><p>The other man shifts in the bed and Light looks back to him. He’s studying him, his face close, but not too close and, at the same time, not close enough. Light can feel his face heating and cheeks burning.</p><p>“Light,” L says again. “I’m sorry if I’m reading your signals wrong, but can I kiss you?”</p><p>And that’s when it feels like the whole world has just melted away, leaving only Light and L on their bed, in their handcuffs, sitting very close to each other.</p><p>“I - yes,” Light stammers and he wishes he could have said something better and more confident than <em> I - yes </em>.</p><p>“Are you sure?” L asks. “I don’t want to pressure you into this and it’s perfectly fine if you don’t w-”</p><p>Light places his free hand at the back of L’s neck and pulls them together. L makes a surprised sound, but relaxes into it almost immediately. It’s soft and sweet and Light never wants it to end.</p><p>And then it does, but he’s grinning and L’s grinning right back at him.</p><p>----</p><p>Ryuk can’t stop laughing. He seems to think L and Light’s relationship -whatever their relationship is- is funny. The only time they’re truly away from his cackling is at night, he thinks they’re too boring then and they take the opportunity to talk and kiss and sit together.</p><p>They’ll lean on each other as they read or work or watch movies together. It turns out L rather likes horror movies, as well as shitty romcoms. Light has never liked either much, never really liked movies in general, but he finds that he adores the hours he spends curled up with L.</p><p>----</p><p>“So what <em> is </em> your name?” Light asks one day. “We’re... something, it seems strange for me to keep calling you by your alias.”</p><p>L turns his head just slightly. “Let’s just say that you already know it. Well, you know my given name, not my last.”</p><p>“So it’s Ryuzaki?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“If your name is actually Hideki Ryuga-”</p><p>“It’s not.”</p><p>“Okay.” Light sits back in his seats and thinks over the other names he’s heard used for the detective. “Eraldo?” </p><p>“That’s not it either.”</p><p>“Deneuve isn’t a given name, is it?”</p><p>“No, it’s not,” L confirms.</p><p>Light studies the man sitting in front of him, crouching and gazing right back at him. And then it hits Light and he groans and says, “Is your name fucking <em> L </em>. Is that your actual name?”</p><p>L gives a small smile and nods.</p><p>“Oh my god, you using it for your detective name is kind of genius?”</p><p>“Thank you, I thought so myself.”</p><p>----</p><p>“I won’t be able to stay in Japan for much longer,” L says one day as they’re finishing up a pretty simple case.</p><p>“You won’t?” Light asks, disappointed and a little scared about what’s about to follow.</p><p>“No, I need to go back to England. I was wondering if you’d like to come with me - maybe officially work with me. We’ll be able to visit your family whenever you want, of course, that won’t be difficult at all.”</p><p>Light is completely taken off guard by this. He’d never expected it and he and L had only been... whatever they are for a week. It’s a bit quick and Light is a bit scared of any change. They’ve found a good balance. Light likes it, he thinks L likes it too.</p><p>“You don’t have to answer right away and I won’t be hurt if you say no.”</p><p>Light shakes his head. “No, I’ll go.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“Absolutely. Working with you sounds amazing and I’m sure my family will be supportive. But we should probably not tell them about... us.”</p><p>“No, I can’t imagine that going over well, at least not at the moment.”</p><p>“We can tell them later.”</p><p>“Later.”</p><p>----</p><p>Light’s dad is not very happy with the idea of Light going to work with L, but he doesn’t stop it. His mom isn’t very happy either, but again, she knows how good of an opportunity it is, so doesn’t even try to convince him out of it. Sayu is happy for him and tells him that he’d better call at least once a week.</p><p>“I hope you’re not just saying that because you want me to help you with your homework again,” Light says to her.</p><p>Sayu laughs and says, “What? Of course not!” and it’s obvious that she’s lying. Light sighs and tells her that he’ll make sure to call her as often as he can.</p><p>On the way out, Light is bombarded by tight hugs from his family. Sayu is the only one who actually says a proper goodbye to L, despite never having met him before. She seems to think he’s interesting. Light doesn’t think dad likes him very much.</p><p>----</p><p>L has a private plane. Of course he has a private plane.</p><p>Light is nervous, he’s never left Japan, never even ridden on a plane, which is somehow more frightening than a helicopter. L seems to sense his fear and places a hand on his. He smiles reassuringly and Light squeezes his hand.</p><p>----</p><p>It’s a beautiful place that L takes Light to - it’s called Wammy’s House. It’s where L grew up. It’s also an orphanage for especially gifted children. The oldest three and the three that actually seem to know who L is are named Near, Mello and Matt. </p><p>They’re odd, just like L is odd, Light wonders if there’s something about Wammy’s that just makes people a little off kilter. They also find out that Light had been Kira in under two months and had all rushed into L and Light’s shared room in the middle of the night, demanding an explanation. They understand what L says about the situation well enough, but they still keep an eye on Light, not that he blames them.</p><p>Light really likes Wammy’s, all in all. It’s weird, but it’s never boring and he gets to spend as much time with L as he wants. He calls Sayu once a week and she always, without fail, demands help on her homework. She finds out about Light and L's relationship pretty quickly without having been told anything at all. And, after much prompting from L, Light starts seeing a therapist. It really isn't as bad as he thought it would be, and it's a lot more helpful.</p><p>He and L occasionally leave to work on the more interesting cases. They go all over the world, apparently L knows pretty much every language known to man. When Light asks him how, he simply shrugs and says, “Languages aren’t too hard once you learn about a dozen of them.”</p><p>Following L to Wammy’s House is absolutely the best decision he’s made in his entire life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i hope it doesnt seem like this moved too fast, im just really bad at knowing what to write for things that arent plot heavy and what i was going for with the romance is that they kind of break the ice by holding hands and then theyre like You Know What Fuck It Smooching Time and i hope that came across like that and not like im rushing things</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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